


Ciel’s fat saggy, flappy, ancient, wrinkly, gay 20 year old asscheeks.

by Cursed_fanfics, SammySawShank



Series: CURSED FAN FICTIONS [1]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: BTW ITS HELLA CURSED, ITS JUST FOR FUN YALL, LMAO, M/M, Other, Read at Own Risk, THIS IS A CRACK FIC., WERE NOT PROMOTING SEBACIEL, enjoy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-10-04 22:24:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20478440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cursed_fanfics/pseuds/Cursed_fanfics, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammySawShank/pseuds/SammySawShank
Summary: This is a crack fic written by my best friend to terrorize me on the bus. Thank her.WE ARE ON TUMBLR AS @undertakers-pimply-dick(black-butler-shit-edits)And@sammysawsankEnjoy at own riskOr hate it either way





	1. Ciel’s fat saggy, flappy, ancient, wrinkly, gay 20 year old asscheeks.

Ciel’s fat saggy,flappy, ancient, wrinkly, gay 20-year old asscheeks.  
“Seabeastian”, Ciel called, turning around carefully in his wheelchair by the fireplace so as to be careful his ancient, super old neck wouldn’t snap out of sheer existence. Killing Ciel was Seabastian’s honor.....soon. “Sebastian- I want to have an heir. Nay, I require one.” “But daddy”-, Seabastian protested, dropping the typewriter he was going to beat Ciel’s head in with. “You’re so old! No one can even get you off anymore, much less bear you a child! Hell, you can’t even beat thy own meat unless it’s with a baseball bat!”

“Yes.....I am quite old.....”Ciel admitted with a sigh, remembering how Sebastian, mistaking him for Oni-Chan, gave the NekoNekoNebola, taking pretty much all that was left of his sad, white, virgin fuckboi life. “.......but not as old as that 2004 Nokia Flip-phone, you cheap slut” Ciel finished curtly. 

“You do have a point...hmm.....what about Lizzie?”, mused Ciel. Sebastian shook his head. “The Alzheimer’s are getting to you sire. You caught her playing Patty Cake with the Queen’s anus so you had me throw her down the stairs on repeat til she broke every bone in her frail body and then had me finish the job by sitting on her sinful face until she suffocated. Remember??”  
Ciel made a face that resembled that of a pickled unicorn taint. “Oh yes I remember now.....I always hated her stupid little ‘And I oop-‘......hit or miss that you Tik Tok Thot.....”muttered Ciel. “Well then that only leaves........you.......Sebastian......my dearest butler/bottom.”

Sebastian shuddered in his Hello Kitty knee-high socks and his “Are You Nasty?” Shorts. “Me? Whatever do you mean, NyAh??”“Sebastian, only YOUR ultra tight, ultra magical, kawaii daddy bussy can possibly preserve and carry my old, British, 20-year-old, fuckboi sperm.....straight from my teabags. Now let’s get busy.....”Ciel growled. Sebastian shifted nervously, then suddenly burst into crybaby bitch tears. “I-I’m s-so s-s-sowwy young master! I just CANT!” Ciel frowned in a rather unpleasant matter. “Jesus McTitties Christ you sound like that bitchbaby Dobby I had you strangle at Hogwarts. There is nothing, even in my old state, that I cannot fuck. I fucked Natsu Dragneel, Son Goku, Luffy D. Monkey, Goofy, Sailor Moon and ALL the Scouts. Then I stopped by that one school Host Club and fucked all the members to death.......including that confused femme lesbian with the pixie cut”. Sebastian nodded, “Yes, I remember that, and you had me cover up any eveidence of the murders that took place after. Though I don’t seem to remember the logic of these jizz-fueled homicides.....”. Ciel simply waved it away. 

“Ah, who cares? The author only wrote this to piss off @undertakers-pimply-dick on tumblr. Speaking of Undertaker, tell him that if he dresses me in anything other than Gucci for my funeral next week, that I’ll haunt that giggly cum dumpster for life. But back to business. Why the hell won’t you let impregnate you like a rabbit on ecstasy?? I am your master! You will do as I say!!” Ciel roared. Sebastian quivered.......”But sir, I am a good, Jesus loving, bible reading demon! I need to be married before I bed a man!!” Ciel’s temper seemed to boil down, as he thought over this. “Fine. We’ll have a quick wedding”, he said throwing the engagement ring he was going to give to Finnian at Sebastian instead. “but then after I get you pregnant, I want you to do two things”. Sebastian nodded, admiring the carpet covered Ring Pop in all its glory. 

“First, when you kill me, I want you to tie my schlong to the ceiling fan. That’s how I want to die.” 

“Any particular reason why?”

“If I’m gonna die, I at least wanna die with a rock-hard schlongsickle.......also I deserve it cuz I’m a little bitch.”- Ciel admitted, a blush dancing on his wrinkled frat boy chicks.  
“It shall be done. What was the second?” Sebastian asked. Ciel looked at him dearly and stated:  
“I want you to take my baby to Russia. Where he can grow big and strong under the Communist regime.” 

Sebastian agreed. The next day they wed in a Cinnabon, with Sebastian dressed in a majestic Vera Weng wedding gown, and Sebastian of course dressed in only the finest Loui Vuitton tracksuit. The reapers were singing, “Creepy Old Guy” from Beetlejuice the Musical in the choir. Madam Red’s corpse simply flipped them off. Ciel’s staff was applauding, begging for an encore.....all except Finnian.....whose failed attempts to assasinate Sebastian and win back his Ci-Ci brought him bitter agony. He later choked to death on a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. 

Two months later, Sebastian strolled into Commie Country with a blue baby blanket in his arms. The baby had Ice-blue eyes and a whiff of white hair. That baby.............was Viktor Nikiforov. He would then grow up to be the most fabulous Commie figure skater that ever lived. He then went on to marry a fat Japanese boy and died of ass cancer at age 45.

Meanwhile, in hell Ciel flared suspiciously at Sebastian. 

“Sebastian.....if we’re two goths, then why is our son albino?” 

“.........”

“.......you fucked them angels didn’tcha.....”


	2. Chapter two, The No Homo Wedding/ Eve of the Neko-Neko-Nibola

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was beautiful......the sun was screaming it’s siren song, the government pigeons were happily chirping, and there wasn’t a furry or incel in sight. Yep. Ciel knew deep down in his balls it was a perfect day for a wedding.

It was beautiful......the sun was screaming it’s siren song, the government pigeons were happily chirping, and there wasn’t a furry or incel in sight. Yep. Ciel knew deep down in his balls it was a perfect day for a wedding. He stood in his bedroom, balls tightly clung together in a solid gold thong, as he inhaled his morning cocaine. Just then, there was a sharp knock at the door. Sebastian entered with a bow, his horse-like ass and thighs temporarily keeping him from entering the room, presented Ciel with his morning breakfast. “Today’s the day sire.....are you excited???”. Ciel scoffed. “Excited? I’m 15, rich, marrying the girl I’ve been engaged to since I was a sperm, and I’m gonna butter her muffin later tonight. Hell yeah bruh. I’m gonna put the FUCK in Fuckboi!” He exclaimed confidently.

Meanwhile, down in the main gardens, the house staff was setting up the venue where the wedding would take place. “I don’t see why ya couldn’ta just had me whip up somethin’ for the event”, Baldoroy complained while signing off on the orders from the caterers and the baker. Tanaka snorted into his Bukkake tea. “Why, my dear boy, if you’d been in charge of the food, the wedding would very quickly turned into a funeral for several victims of arson and undercooked chicken.” Mey-Rin cackled from her spot in the trees where she was stringing up decorations. “Face it Baldoroy- You’re what makes Gordon Ramsay piss himself in rage.” As laughter rang out, Baldoroy growled. “Oh fuck off, Mey! Your pussy stinks and Sebastian doesn’t love you!”

“Ay, fuck you! Ya don’t know that!” She protested

“Will you breeders be quiet?!”, Finnian shouted from the arch, where he was placing the flowers.

They turned to look at him.

“What’s wrong with you? Ya look like someone died.” Tanaka noted.

“Something DID die…..my heart……and my dick” Finnian whined. His beloved Ciel was getting married, and there was nothing he could do. He remembered the days when he used to rupture Ciel’s anus through his Hello Kitty onesie with his freakish strength.

“Ah shit….” Mey-Rin muttered with a sudden frown.

“Hm? Wha?” Baldoroy asked.

“Pluto’s humping the crepe station again”….

“Oh goddammit!”

2 hour later, a beautiful ceremony was held right there on the Phantomhive estate. As Elizabeth walked toward her beloved fuckboi, there were many there to witness the unholy union. Queen Victoria herself was there as an officant to the ceremony as most priests, upon seeing Ciel and his demon butler, began to scream in Latin and foam at the mouth, while the nuns threw Jesus bread at him from afar screaming, “BEGONE THOT”. All the Grim Reapers were there, although Undertaker kept insisting that Ciel’s aunt wanted to see the wedding; so he dragged along the tainted corpse of Madam Red as his plus-one. Even Alois was there, although he couldn’t help gloating, the little shit-what with his Steve Buscemi face and his Gilbert Gottfried voice. Although, Soma wouldn’t stop crying and barked at anyone who tried to steal the seat next to his, which he had placed Agni’s urn as HiS plus one. 

As Elizabeth reached the altar, she couldn’t help but smile. Literally. After all the surgeries and botox injections, she hadn’t been able to convey any emotion other than “Default Kardashian” in years. Ciel tried to look at her as best he could.... her breast implants made her tits bigger than her skull. 

“Whats up yo motherfuckers? Y’all ready to get these two bitches hitched?!” Queen Victoria exclaimed, unable to contain her excitement. She wouldn’t stop bouncing, her hips creaking with every movement, her saggy balloons slapping everyone and everything. 

“But before we get this shitshow on the road (my guess is they won’t last two weeks), these idiots got sumthin ta say”, she announced to the crowd as Ciel and Elizabeth turned to face each other, each one taking out their handwritten vows. Elizabeth went first, and with tears in her eyes, turned to her beloved and declared for all the world to hear,

“Ciel Phantomhive....from the day I met you, I was completely enamored with you. Although you lost your family and all that you loved, you still went out of your way to keep me happy and safe no matter what. And even after I found out about all your hellish adventures, I still want to stand by you-not as your pesky betrothed, but as your loving, loyal, doting wife. I love you so much Ciel Phantomhive. I always have and always will.”

There was a round of “audience at a golf-game” applause with a scoff from Finnian (who was 10 bottles of Jack Daniels in), and a tear from Undertaker.

It was now Ciel’s turn. He took a deep, breath, and pulled out a long sheet of paper...

“Ahem.................

titties.”

There was thunderous applause, with the men whooping. Undertaker was now bawling his eyes out, praising the heavens and screaming,

“AMEN BUHTHA!!”

**Author's Note:**

> There will be more. See ya


End file.
